Prof. Burton & Prof Zappala wanted for us to explain why we are invested in our Final Project and what makes us feel the need to successfully complete it.
Our Mormon Message is focused on families.
For some odd reason, I feel a great need to write what I'm about to write.
My family happens to be a rather tender subject for me but I just know I have to get my thoughts and feelings out on the matter. So I apologize for the personal nature of this post.
I come from a loving family, although we do not outwardly show it. We all know we love each other, just never really .. hug and such.
When I was younger, I remember just all of us going to church together. I actually didn't know my mother wasn't a member until I was about 10 years old. From the time I turned 8 and was baptized, I noticed suddenly that my mother wouldn't go with us as much anymore. So, as many curious children, I asked her. We were driving home from school and I asked it as a casual question. She paused for many moments and then replied, "When you're older, I'll tell you." (all in Chinese of course)
I didn't realize how different my family was from the "typical Mormon family" until I went into Young Womens (YW). To be honest, I didn't even understand what the temple was until then either. I remember singing songs about it in Primary, but I didn't understand it's sacredness.
When it came time for me to go for my 1st Temple trip, I had learned through YW about baptisms of the dead and was very excited. Right before my mother took me to church that morning, she told me that she did not want me to perform any baptisms. I asked her why and she proceeded to tell me how it was wrong. We fought for awhile and it ended horribly. She dropped me off at church and as I walked inside, I felt such a sudden feeling of misunderstanding and loneliness. I didn't understand why she wouldn't want me to participate and I just felt like I was being shut out from the blessings of the Temple. When I walked in, I saw all my friends ready to go and then caught my Bishop's eye. I immediately broke down.
At that moment, I felt like my entire childhood up to that point had been a lie. I thought of all the times my mother would come with us to church but not because she knew the gospel was true. I finally knew why she was furious when I was baptized. I just didn't understand why she couldn't accept the church I had grown up in.
When I was 15, I finally got the courage to tell my mother that I wanted to do baptisms for the dead. She accepted it. She knew I was growing up and she couldn't stop me from doing what I knew was right, although at the time I still didn't completely understand the importance of Temple ordinances.
The more I learned about the eternal family, the more I felt like I was part of a broken family. My family is not sealed in the temple and it pains me still that we are not a forever family.
My brother had long fallen away from the church and actually had his name removed from the records. I never really felt like my father honored his priesthood fully. And then of course my mother's non-membership. I basically felt like I went to church just out of habit, not because I wanted to.
Do not mistake me, I love my mother, as well as my entire family, very much. I am extremely grateful to have such a spectacular mom. I don't know how she put up with a horrible daughter all these years and can still say with complete honesty that she loves me entirely, mistakes and all.
Not until my Junior of high school did I start to really get a grasp on my life. Something just clicked in my head. Through wonderful leaders and teachers over the years, I was able to get that realization. Basically, I kicked myself for not realizing the blessings I had for growing up in the gospel and the loving family I was so blessed to be put in. I know with 100% certainty that I was and am blessed.
Even though it pained my mother to go with us to church, she still came because she loved us. And when I finally got older, she accepted my choice. I had a father that was trying to honor his priesthood and cared so much for me that he would do everything to help me in any way. I am basically my grandmother's favorite grandchild since she has helped care for me since I was a baby. Something her many grandchildren and even great-grandchildren will never have the chance to experience. My brother, although very far apart age-wise, have been able to become close and remain so.
I honestly feel like it's a miracle I am here at BYU. Even through my troubles of being in the gospel, I still attended Seminary and received credit for all 4 years, which allowed me to apply. My primary reasons for even choosing to come here were because I wanted my mother to know that this gospel is my life and that I needed to be surrounded with it. Yes, I know I could live the gospel fully anywhere else, but I know without a doubt that I had to physically and mentally put myself somewhere that had a strong gospel presence.
More then ever, I have realized the blessings I have to be a part of the family I'm in. As the cheesy saying goes, I wouldn't be the person I am today without them.
And even though I am not sealed with my family, it is sincerely one of my hopes that we will someday be able to become that eternal family.
This final project has given me the chance to reflect a lot on my family. It has helped me see that my so called "broken" family was not broken at all.
We love each other.
[ I didn't realize the enormity and length of this post so I completely understand if no one reads this completely. Sorry!]
No comments:
Post a Comment